In Space, No-One Can Hear You Sneeze!


If you’ve arrived at this page by doing a search for Eva Longoria, then you’ll be probably be disappointed, but you might want to try this link which will take you to a page with a few photos of her  –  Eva Longoria

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April 9th, 2007



Dear Mum,

I think by far the biggest disease I seem to be suffering from at the moment is verbosity. In my last letter I could have simply written  –  ‘I’ve been ill this week, had flu’  –  and left it at that. But no! I had to dress it up and bring the Seven Deadly Dwarfs into it. I think I need help! There’s never a psychiatrist around when you need one! 

Anyway  –  it seems I couldn’t even escape the flu by coming to Cyprus for the winter. I get it every year without fail. And I never seem to just catch a simple, common cold. It’s always with a temperature that knocks me out. I hate giving in to it and confining myself to bed, but your body always knows when it can’t function properly, and when you have no choice.

There was a certain amount of delirium accompanying the temperature  –  that state which your mind gets into when you’re not quite asleep, but not quite awake either. Reality and fantasy blend into one. Your brain knows it and has a bit of fun with you. In this particular instance, it decided to play Right Said Fred by Bernard Cribbins over and over again. It just kept going round and round inside my head for several days.

Lines from comedy programmes, and silly jokes kept popping into my head. And my brain had some very odd random thoughts. It kept asking questions too. Silly questions. Totally unimportant questions. And yet in that twilight state of consciousness, they seemed to be crucially important questions.

I’ve tried to remember some of them. Here’s just a small assortment:


Is it about time I ended my boycott of Marathon, which I’ve refused to buy ever since they changed it to the ridiculous name of Snickers in 1990?

Is Cleopatra the only dog in the world to have a pathological fear of lamp posts? Or are there others in the same plight? Can she get help? Group therapy maybe?

Why do so many people these days seem to misquote the nursery rhyme as “See a penny, pick it up…” etc, when it should be “See a pin and pick it up…” And how can I stop them doing it? Stick a pin in someone every time they say it wrong?

♫ “Right”, said Fred, “Both of us together,
One each end and steady as we go”
Tried to shift it, couldn’t even lift it
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and… ♫

What are the days and times of refuse collections in my street? Or is it always at 3am on a Tuesday, and I’ve simply never heard them making all that noise before in the middle of the night? And is that the evening shift working late, or the day shift starting early?

Homer Simpson when he meets some aliens:
“Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

Will I ever understand the Greek word for ‘Yes’ whenever I hear it? The word is ‘Ne’, pronounced like the first two letters of ‘negative’, and it has such a negative sound that I always think they’re saying ‘No’. I must miss out on so much.

They’re such nice people in that pet shop. They always let me off the odd 10cents every week. I could buy it cheaper. But I like supporting small businesses. Especially friendly Cypriot ones. Must remember to look and see what the shop’s called. If I live through this, that is.

If I died right now, would Cleopatra do a Greyfriars Bobby and wait for me every day on the steps of the Meeting Pub? Would they call her Meeting-Pub Cleo?

Is there a name for having a fear of lamp posts? Lampapostophobia?

Must remember to look up paraskavedekatriaphobia and see what its origin is. Sounds Greek to me.

Can you have a phobia of having a phobia? Can you have a phobia of NOT having a phobia?

“Your name vill also go on zee list. Vot is it?”
“Don’t tell him, Pike!”

Should I end my boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken too?
(They upset me in 1982! Something to do with spare ribs)

♫ Charlie had a think and he thought we ought to
Take off all the handles,
And the things wot held the candles.
But it did no good – well I never thought it would! ♫

Did I ever actually buy a Snickers bar when it was called Marathon? Probably not. Can’t stand chocolate with nuts. Must have been a principle thing!

How fast am I travelling through space? Is that why I feel dizzy when I stand up?

“In your statement, Mr Trotter, you said you were stationed overseas during the war. Yet according to your naval record you were billeted on the Isle of Wight. Not exactly overseas, is it?”
“Well you try walking it!”

Do they have chocolate Easter Eggs in Cyprus? Haven’t seen any. I want one!

What’s the difference between eccentric and odd? Is eccentricity just an act? I think so. Maybe I’ll try it out. Doesn’t really matter what people think of me here! Doesn’t matter anyway, anywhere, anyhow.

I really must try and stop falling in love every time I see an attractive woman 

Why have I got a craving for tea? I hate tea! Must be that damn song!

♫ “Right,” said Fred, “Have to take the feet off”
To get them feet off wouldn’t take a mo.
Took its feet off, even took the seat off
Should have got us somewhere but no!
So Fred said, “Let’s have another cuppa tea”
And we said, “Right-o” ♫

What have I forgotten to do? I know there’s something. Something very important.

“Doctor, Doctor, it’s an emergency, I’m shrinking!”
“Sorry, I can’t see you right now. You’ll just have to be a little patient!”

Why does everyone seem to think that the beach at Larnaca faces south just because it’s on the south coast? Look at a map, fools!

Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

Is the Cypriot President, Papadopoulos, the same guy who makes Papadopoulos biscuits?

I wonder whatever happened to my Noddy alarm-clock?

If I don’t wake up now and write it down, I’m never going to remember the lyrics, and then the guys on the beach won’t know how many sun-beds to put out.

“It’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T happen to everyone, and it IS a big deal”
“I knew it!”

I wish I hadn’t sold my vinyl record collection.

I hate junk-food outlets. McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, etc. Close them all down. Get rid of them. Make them illegal! Make people eat real food! People don’t know how to cook any more.

Had strange dream about Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was a massive place on several huge floors, all connected by an intricate web of shiny escalators. Everything shiny chrome, everywhere you looked. And masses of shiny chrome serving counters everywhere. Long queues at every station. My turn. I didn’t know what I wanted. “Do you do spare ribs?” He plonked a portion of spare ribs on the counter and held his hand out for money. “Look! I only asked a question, I haven’t actually ordered anything yet”. Huge gasps of astonishment all around me; then the whole place erupted into silence as absolutely everyone turned to stare at me. Then the entire floor was abruptly vacated, every station closed; the whole floor closed; everyone vanished. Only me left. And lots of shiny chrome. End of dream.

(KFC don’t do spare ribs any more! They stopped years ago!)

‘Write a wise saying and your name will live forever’ – anon.

DumbushHow can we stop Bush from saying Nucular instead of Nuclear? Incredible! Do they all say it? Or is it just him?

Is it too late to have another recount in Florida? And how the hell did Bush get elected anyway when Al Gore got over half a million more votes than Bush? How differently everything might have turned out if Florida hadn’t been rigged…

And how can we stop Americans mispronouncing words? Why do they always have to stress the wrong syllable. Oregano, Caribbean, Birmingham… And the word is Tuesday! Not Toosday! If you’re gonna have English as your official language, then LEARN HOW TO SPEAK IT! …and how to SPELL IT! Got enough problems with English people screwing it up! …or else call it something else – Stoopid Americanish.

Some of my favourite women are American! Eva Longoria for example. Or is she Italian?

So many fantastic American musicians too. I guess it’s not all bad. Maybe it’s just Bush.

Why don’t we just scrap the apostrophe altogether if people have lost the will to use it correctly?

Mainwaring: “The vicar keeps winking at me and telling me to come back later”
Wilson (sniggering): “Are you going to?”

‘Insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result’

Is there any difference between flammable and inflammable?

Will I be able to find a Mint Magnum in Cyprus now that they’ve started doing them again?

“Half the Members in this House are liars and cheats!”
“I demand that the Honourable Member withdraw that statement”
“Very well, I withdraw it – Half the Members in this House are NOT liars and cheats!”

Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?

♫ So Charlie and me had another cup of tea,
And then we went home ♫

Video - Snickers Commercial

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Let me know if you’d like to hear Right Said Fred and I’ll email you an mp3 (2.12MB  –  126kbps  –  44kHz). I’m sure BC won’t mind.


©MPB 09/April/2007
Lyrics to Right Said Fred by Myles Rudge. And if you’ve got the tune going round in your head, then you can thank Ted Dicks for that!


One Response to In Space, No-One Can Hear You Sneeze!

  1. charlie says:

    I would love to hear that song again, my grandand used to sing it to me… as I’m called Charlie. Any chance you still have a copy on MP3?

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