June 29th, 2007

Dear Mum,

Genius has its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped

The lack of brain cells of some people never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been keeping a note recently of some of the funny things that people say, or that I’ve seen. Here’s a small collection of them. Sadly, they were nearly all delivered by British people. There are a few more which I’ll save for another time, when doubtlessly they will have been added to.

– – – – –

Sign in café window:

‘Air-conditioning Up Stairs’

Nice idea. Air-conditioning Upstairs would be even nicer!

– – – – –

Estate Agent’s name signwritten over the office:

Cyprus Property’s


– – – – –

“Hi! Just thought I’d stop by and have breakfast on my way to the beach.”

Waitress delivers my order to the kitchen and comes back with my freshly squeezed orange juice and says,

“Have you been on the beach this morning then?”

– – – – –

I don’t like to be too predictable so I thought I’d have a change from Keo one night.

“A pint of Carlsberg please.”

Barmaid thinks it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard and pours me a pint of Keo!

– – – – –

Written in the dirt on the back of a car:


Lost cause! Cypriots don’t park their cars  –  they abandon them anywhere that suits them!

– – – – –

Sign in restaurant window:


I’m assuming they meant female staff! Then again…

– – – – –

I’m out taking the dog for a walk. A young scandinavian girl and her mother ask me if there’s a church round here. I stop and think. St. Lazarus is the nearest.

“Go to the end of this road and turn right, and it’s about 100 metres”

They thank me and are about to follow my directions. A Cypriot girl on the opposite side of the road, out taking her pet rat for a walk (may have been a chihuahua, not sure!) crosses over and asks if she can help, armed with her superior local knowledge.

They repeat their question and, pointing in the opposite direction, the Cypriot girl says,

“Go to the end of this road and turn left, and it’s about 100 metres”

The Scandinavians give me a strange look, thinking that I’ve deliberately misled them.

It was the same distance whichever way they went!

But the Cypriot girl was cute, so I didn’t hit her. Can’t say the same for the rat…

– – – – –

Girl in bar: “Excuse me, do you know what time the bar closes”

Me: “Usually when the last person leaves”

Girl: “What time is that?”

– – – – –

Same girl in bar: “Do you know if there’s a cinema here?”

Me: “Yes, there’s a multiplex, but it’s too far to walk. You’ll need to take a taxi”. And I explained where the cinema is.

Girl: “And they show films there, and everything?”

– – – – –

A Cypriot friend takes me to a bar I haven’t been to before.

“Come on. I’ll show you a short cut. Don’t think it’s any shorter though.”

– – – – –

A brief exchange between myself and an English girl. I didn’t say anything at the end. I just let her dig a deeper and deeper hole…

“I changed all me money into Euros. I didn’t realise that Cyprus ‘as pounds. I fort they was in the EU now.”

“They are in the EU. They joined in 2004”

“So why don’t they ‘ave the Euro then? I fort if you was in the EU you had to ‘ave Euros.”

“Well what do you have in the UK?”

“Pounds, but we’re not in the EU neever……………….. are we?……………….. we’re not, are we?……………….. don’t tell me we are!……………….. when did we join then?……………….. you’re ‘avin’ me on……………….. did we join when all that uvver lot did?….. Poland an’ all that….. wherever that is……………….. no….. we can’t be….. we don’t ‘ave Euros”

– – – – –

I’m admiring a gorgeous, beautiful Cypriot girl lying on the beach near me. Dark hair, bronze, sun-tanned skin. Classic Greek features. A classic Greek beauty. Stunning!

She turns to me and takes me completely by surprise when she says,

“Have you got the time please Boyo?”

(She didn’t actually say Boyo, but I don’t know how to write with a Welsh accent!)

– – – – –

A guy sits next to me at the bar and orders a pint of beer. Barmaid serves him and says,

“One fifty please.”

“That’s cheap”, says the guy.

He insists on talking to me and tells me he’s thinking of buying a place here.

“What’s the cost of living like here?”, he asks me.

“Well, beer’s very cheap.”

“Yeah? How much is it a pint then?”

– – – – –

“Have you been swimming on the beach today?”

No! Fool! I’ve been swimming in the sea!

Go and stand over there with the others. I’ll decide what to do with you all later.

In the meantime, you’ve all won a T-shirt  –  with the exception of the Welsh girl, who I’ve got other plans for…

But if this was a competition, then my vote for idiot of the month would have to go to this girl:

“What a lovely dog. What sort of cross is it?”

“She’s a pedigree pointer”

“Yeah?”, with a note of surprise in her voice. “What’s the other half?”


©MPB 29/June/2007


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